Better Together: loneliness in the digital age and creating real connection

There’s a worrying trend in America where an ever-growing share of Americans report that they don’t have any close friends. Even those outside that group find that the number of close friends they have is shrinking. Psychologists and medical professionals like the surgeon general have gone so far as to label it an epidemic. It’s an epidemic that many aren’t talking about, but it might be more detrimental than many traditional illnesses. Study after study has shown that loneliness is worse for your body than smoking cigarettes and other deadly vices. It also makes you more susceptible to disease. Other studies indicate that our social fitness is the leading factor in living a healthy and happy life. Being connected to others is of grave importance but it’s consistently deprioritized and the technology that promised to bring more connection isn’t living up to that promise. 

So, why are we so lonely as a culture? I think it’s because we’re losing our sense of community and are being driven into isolation by social platforms. If you observe any group of teenagers you can see this on full display. Sure they’re close physically but socially there’s a wall between them all, and that wall is their phones. They occasionally look up to share something but then they’re immediately drawn back in. Deep connections aren’t formed by sharing Tik Toks, they’re formed by shared experiences and real conversations. With social media, we all have our own little bubble, there is no shared experience. You’re just scrolling through your own little tailored universe which disconnects you from the outside world. It’s easy to get lost in that bubble too. As I’ve written before, these platforms are extremely addicting, so you get stuck in the loop, and you get stuck in your bubble. It’s much easier to keep scrolling or consuming content than to plan something with your friends. Sure you may send a post to them but that’s not a real connection. Most of the time we never have a deep conversation about what we sent or why we sent it. It’s usually just a surface-level comment. We can send an emoji or reaction but that’s just another way to limit the conversation. Even when we’re actively talking to someone through text or chat, it’s usually just short casual conversations. It’s a quick hello or maybe confirmation of a plan. This is totally cool when that’s all you need to do, but if the majority of your conversations are done that way, you never go below the surface. We’re missing all of the nuance, physical cues, biological traits, and psychological adaptations that we’ve evolved to connect with each other. My fear is that as more of our conversations move online, everyone will slowly become an acquaintance and we won’t take the time to develop those deep friendships that actually defeat loneliness. 

We’re also losing the shared spaces that used to foster community. They have been replaced in many ways by online platforms. Instead of in-person community groups where we go to learn, discuss our interests, or take part in activities, we have group chats and online forums. There’s still a transfer of information, but that’s it, there’s no real connection happening. Watching someone on Twitch with thousands of other people is no replacement for real interaction. The same goes for learning new skills. Instead of going to a class to learn something, we just watch Youtube or Tik Tok. We still learn the skill but again we miss out on connecting with real people in our community. As more people opt to go online, the places that used to offer classes or ways to meet people increasingly go out of business because they can’t compete. Even when you go out to bars or clubs where there are a ton of people there seems to be this lack of interaction because we’re all trapped in our own worlds. 

These little worlds are a byproduct of the digital age. We don’t just get trapped in them ourselves but we can get trapped in them together. It’s becoming harder for people to break out of and break into new social circles. Granted we’ve always had close groups that form early on in life but as we moved forward we had to branch out. The groups would expand and contract. Maybe life circumstances would force us to leave and find a new group. Now with our phones and social media, we can maintain constant contact. So we’re still caught up in all of the same circles. It’s great that we can stay in touch with our friends, but sometimes it goes too far. If all we do is communicate in the same circles, we become tethered to them. Instead of seeking new friends in a new area, we can retreat back to the safety of the non-stop ping of our old group chat. This also makes it harder for others to find new friend groups because everyone is so entrenched in their pre-existing bubbles. 

Another piece of the puzzle is the constant grind of late-stage capitalism. People just don’t have the time to tend to relationships like they once did. Whether you're in middle America working two jobs trying to stay afloat or you’re salaried on the coast at the beck and call of your “important” job, we all have less time. After working all day and constantly being “on” with other people, most of us just don’t have the energy to connect with others. We’re burned out and just want to stay plugged into the plethora of addictive technologies available to us. Sure one could say that’s a personal choice but it’s one that we can’t blame people for. Our brains are being drained by the constant grind that is living and working in this century. We also live in a society that prioritizes individual success and the accumulation of material things over building rich and meaningful connections. We idolize extreme individualism over healthy communities and strong friendships. This paired with the existing conditions of our current rat race creates a recipe for loneliness and isolation.

With all of these societal factors pitted against us, how do we connect? We have to start getting curious about our communities and what’s going on in them. One benefit of technology is that it’s easier to find information now than ever. More than likely there’s a website for your city dedicated to curating information about live events, classes, concerts, etc. Go on there and find something that resonates with you and go. Even if you have to go alone, intentionally going to something you’re interested in will help you grow. Everyone else is there for the same reason as you. It’s a community. There’s energy there that can’t be replicated with a screen. By tapping into it you can find a sense of belonging. You’re giving yourself a chance to have the opportunity to create a real connection with someone that you can’t get from just staying home and scrolling. 

Another way of defeating loneliness is by deepening our existing connections. Almost all of us have people in our lives that we appreciate and want to either stay close to or get closer to. We can create and schedule intentional moments of connection to check in with these people. Even if it’s just for half an hour, carving out the time and setting the intention to connect allows us to have more meaningful and deeper conversations. Whether it’s something as simple as a walk or as complicated as a trip, there are always moments to connect. This is also another opportunity to look for events going on in your community and then invite someone to go with you. If you’re strapped for time and resources a Facetime lets us at least attempt to go deeper. This is another way that technology, despite all of its flaws, does create ways to get closer to real connection. The idea of setting things like these up scares a lot of people because we think others are too busy or there’s a chance they might not want to hear from us. More than likely though reaching out means just as much to them as it does to you. As I mentioned at the top, loneliness is an epidemic that none of us are immune to. We’re all feeling like we’re missing connection in an increasingly isolated world. By making the effort to actually plan time to connect, you’re not just helping yourself, you’re helping someone else. We have to remember that we really are all in this together. 

Social connection is a fundamental part of being human. We evolved to be members of a tribe living, working, and playing together. That’s why today’s world feels so foreign to us. Especially since so many of us are displaced from those we care about, either due to technology or the limits placed on us by our jobs. That idea of a tribe is one I’m trying to bring back into my life. It’s an antidote for the loneliness epidemic we see today. So many of our interactions today are superficial even with our friends, by creating a tribe you can overcome that. The difference with a tribe is that it’s not just centered on one thing and it’s just not merely about communication. It’s about creating this close-knit group that grows and works together to create something larger than themselves. You invest in each other and the lives you want to live. You help each other reach goals. You have deep conversations about life. You go out into the world and have rich experiences together. It’s like a family but one that you choose. By going to events and taking time to connect with others you create that tribe. We need other people in our lives to be the best version of ourselves, by growing our tribes and deepening the relationships within them we can do just that.